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:iconvivyi:Vivyi posted a status
I feel like all of the dominoes are falling out of my life right now in one day... and there's no way to build them back up.

I just broke up with my girlfriend... and realized that I probably will never be able to have a functional relationship. 

I just realized that I should be locked up because I tried to hurt my brother out of blind rage.

I just realized that I'm not fit for society because I had to drop a class again, and now I'm thinking I'll be an artist and writer instead.

I just realized that I'll always be extremely disabled, and have problems that nobody else would ever have.

I can't stand life anymore. I fucking hate myself. Just let me die already.

Devious Comments

:iconfiercebabydoll:
FierceBabydoll Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I hope you feel better soon! And don´t give up! :rose:
Sometimes everything happens all at once and its not you fault when something does not work out. Its absolutely fine and you are valid. 
This is just a temporary dark chapter in your life and it will pass. It will get better and you´ll be in a better condition soon. :rose:

I guess it´ll help if you consult a counselor who can help you with your problems and you should talk to your friends and family. Do not isolate yourself and 
be with people you trust. 
Its also always possible to continue your education so dont worry. And you also should not hate yourself because you must always keep in mind that you
are a wonderful and valid person. And your friends and family love you. (and there are also people who you are going to meet in the future and they will
love you too. And you will form a new  functional relationship. )
Overall its important to be patient and to be not hard on yourself. 
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much... I won't give in that easily to my flawed life and equally flawed health but it will work out... Hopefully!

I hope it's temporary but my poor mental health makes me vulnerable to these experiences and my body started to have severe health issues that weren't even real on top of this plus I've been doing things like temporarily losing my ability to walk even if there is nothing wrong with my legs.

I do consult a therapist, case manager AND prescriber on a regular basis and nobody seems to have the slightest clue how to really help me. These issues always get triggered by severe realms of stress and causes muscle spasms that hinder me more than just headaches or dizziness.

My friends can calm me down but ultimately there is nothing I can do about my body's reactions to stress and anxiety. I'm scared I'm too crippled to even go to school.

I don't know for sure if anyone can even handle me in a relationship because I'm so tense and hard on myself but I sometimes feel like I have to be to get by. Or otherwise I'll drown with severe pain and anxiety.

If there really is any hope for me then let hope come. I believe in the power of hope. Otherwise I will wait here in the dark to let the devil kill me because I've been fighting with death my whole life.
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:iconfiercebabydoll:
FierceBabydoll Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Ah yes, it happens that you are more vulnerable at the moment, but its not your fault. By the time your condition improves, the 
symptoms can be cleared away. But It nevertheless takes time, so its very important that you should never lose hope and keep 
fighting although it is really hard right now. 

I think this is a really good thing that you already get the help of a therapist so you do not have to deal with that alone. The 
thing is that it indeed happens that a trigger comes and you can fall back sometimes, but you will still heal and it takes time. 
Your therapist will think probably think of a way to help you somehow even if its seems impossible right now. 
Maybe you first take a break from school and focus on your health. 

The best thing regarding a relationship would be to be with a person who accepts you and acknowledge how you feel. A person who truly loves you would still love even if you suffer from anxiety. And I think you will find a person who will accept you for that. 
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm seeing improvements in my mental health just after talking with you and many other people on both here and in real life. I think it's very helpful to have deep, meaningful conversations about what directions I want to take my life in, and even if I'm still confused about where I want to go, I think it's good that I have the ability to put my foot through the door and stick with my plan all along. 

I think it's good too that I'm seeing somebody and getting the help that I need. Sometimes I am a very emotional person and need some extra support from my friends though, and for some people I have to prevent myself from venting my frustrations to them and just spend time enjoying life in general. 

I was in a relationship with somebody who would have been a support system to the best of her abilities, but ultimately I felt I wasn't going to be a safe person to be with, and that was why I broke up with her. I wanted to regroup and reconnect with myself, and be able to find love for myself, before seeking her or another person. Ultimately, I'm scared of the anger outbursts that I go through, having an effect on somebody else in a physical manner. I am having powerful fits of rage that I try to use on myself or inanimate objects, because I do not want to hurt anybody else. I don't understand what is causing this sudden intense anger, but it frightens me. I'm not generally a violent person.
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:iconfiercebabydoll:
FierceBabydoll Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Im really glad that you are seeing improvements! :rose:
I think it helps a lot to talk about everything and open up to people you trust rather than bottling everything up. 
Some venting is sometimes necessary, but its also great to spend some time enjoying life a bit. 

You can enter a new relationship when you feel like it, so its the best thing to not rush anything. 
Having anger outbursts is something you do not have to be ashamed of and its possible to overcome it. 
I think in order to control your emotions its great right now that you have a therapist, so it just takes some time. 
Just never forget you are a strong person for enduring your anxiety and keep in mind how far you´ve come. 
(im sounding very optimistic right now but I think that optimism helps a lot in order to cope. :rose:)

By the way Im here on dA most of the time so whenever you need someone to talk to you can message me. :nod:
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Feb 8, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
I am, and it's wonderful! I think I'm slowly finding my direction again, and trying to see where I want to take my life. I'm trying to get everything back in place  c: Even if I have to pay for college out of pocket, I'll at least be able to after getting a job.

I've never been the type to bottle things up. When I was a kid, I did that... and then immediately my parents put me in therapy in second grade. After pretty much a decade of therapy, I've been really in control with my life, and always ambitious about making a difference in what I do. It's just that sometimes shitty things happen in my life, that sort of bring me off track. But once I find my direction again, I know that it will never be hopeless c:

I am thinking of getting back together with my former relationship after breaking up with her, and she's okay with it as well - because it was sudden, and we both had feelings anyway, so it was pretty pointless to end the relationship XD She's really supportive of a lot of things, which is kind of nice.

I understand that I should not be ashamed of my anger outbursts, but I do have a rather large fear of being sent into a permanent facility for it. Regardless, I'm looking into anger management classes for myself. 

I'll try to keep that in mind c:

(I agree actually... that's why I'm trying to get my optimist spirit back c: )

Thank you for the offer! I'll let you know if that's the case. 
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:iconfiercebabydoll:
FierceBabydoll Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is really awesome! Keep going and take care! :rose:
Its great that you found your direction again. It happends sometimes in life to lose track, but
its always possible to get back and you´ve made it. :rose:

Wow, its so great that you want to get back together, its important to not let someone go who
supports and loves you. I wish you two the best! :rose: 

I think that the fact that you visit anger management classes will bring you on the right track and that
you arent at risk to get into a facility. Your case its not worse enough to lead into a facility, I assume that only
the very severe cases count. 
As long as you visit therapy and management classes, you are going for the right track and it will not end up
at a facility. 

(thats true, optimism is hard sometimes, but its a very effective coping mechanism. :la: )
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:iconsummer-peaches:
Summer-Peaches Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh nooo! I'm so sorry! If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to message me!! :(
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
I'll message you when I get home... I have been talking with Arasteia about this as well.
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:iconsummer-peaches:
Summer-Peaches Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Sure thing! I will be at school until about 5:30 or so (which means nothing because our timezones are vastly different) but I will get back to you ASAP if you message me!
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
I might be able to write it at school since I'll only have one class plus a club. And I will have a ton of free in between. I'm currently traveling there. I'll probably leave at 3:00 pm PT
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:iconsummer-peaches:
Summer-Peaches Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Whenever you get a chance ~ Heart 
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:iconcatmandolin:
Catmandolin Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
viv, never give up on yourself.  hold on tight. Hugs--cat
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
:hug: Thank you so much... and I'm so sorry for these outbursts... this all happened in one day, and it's driving me mad.

I talked with my dad and my best friend. The safest thing for me is anger management classes and to continue education...
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:iconcatmandolin:
Catmandolin Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
Good luck--you have friends who are rooting for you. Hugs!
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Hugs! Thank you...
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