It's weird, I guess I've always been Asexual, I just didn't know what it was. It only ever became something to worry about when I finally fell for someone (who thankfully is a wonderful, accepting and patient sweetheart). And when that happened, I had a little panic because you know, you should want to by now, and I didn't...but thankfully I stumbled on some information on Asexuality and had a moment, of "Thank god for that!" It's worth mentioning that it was probably more difficult to define because I'm hideously erotophobic, but I'm not asexual because I'm erotophobic...if anything, I'm erotophobic because I'm asexual. Unfortunately, I spent lots of sex ed classes as a kid asking "What if I don't ever want to do this" and literally being told (and this is a direct quote) "When you're older, you will change your mind.". Sex ed sucks in my country, it literally assumes everyone is straight, cis and wants to do the thing.
It's sort of complicated for me. It never changed at all, but my understanding of it definitely changed. When I was new to dating and romance, I just assumed I was straight without really thinking much about it, and I think it's because that way of thinking was sort of imposed onto all girls from an early age. I figured "I like guys so I must be straight." and I didn't think about it any more deeply than that for a while.
Eventually I realized that I liked girls too and I thought I was bisexual for a few years. At first, I freaked out a little, but after I realized it was ok if I did like girls, I was fine with it. I saw it as "I'm still the same person, I just have different tastes in a partner than I thought I did." I was worried no one would understand, because all of my friends were either straight or gay, like there was no in between for most of them. I went a long time without really speaking up about it.
Fast forward a few more years and I noticed that trans and androgynous people are attractive to me too... Which I always knew about myself, but never really thought about it much. I knew I'd never cared about a person's gender at all, but didn't know there were other terms for it. Then I found out about Pansexuality and felt like Pansexual & Panromantic seemed like a much better fit for me than anything else I've ever heard of. It was like everything just clicked and I was like "Omg I'm not alone! This is an actual thing!" It didn't really worry me but I did kind of worry about how other people would react to it. I went through a period of self-doubt with all of it where I was worried it might just be a phase that would pass.
Eventually I came to realize it wasn't a phase, but how I had always felt. I care about personality way more than gender, but I can't really claim to be Demisexual, because I have seen beautiful strangers that made me think like "Damn, that person is hot..." And I know I'm attracted to them in a physical way. It doesn't happen a lot but it does happen. xD
Sometimes the romantic part comes in later for me, as I get to know them. But if I was initially attracted to someone physically, their personality can end up being off-putting and causing me to no longer feel attracted to them at all. Also, sometimes I'm attracted to a person romantically and it takes time before the physically attracted part actually kicks in. Which is where I get confused? Sometimes it's both at the exact same time. All kinds of people can be beautiful to me, sometimes it is in a platonic way though, it just depends... Sometimes it's hard to figure out where that line is. I can definitely see how it can be a confusing thing to people. It's something that I've felt all kinds of ways about too.
I don't really think love should come with certain rules, I don't like to limit myself, hence why I don't like labels, but it can be an easy way to help people understand something that would otherwise be too confusing. I usually only mention it if others bring up sexuality or if someone asks. My family never really acted like it was weird for me to date different genders, which I think was pretty supportive of them. I just started dating girls and other genders too, I guess I just felt like I shouldn't HAVE to explain myself, you know? And for a long time they never asked me or said anything about it. It wasn't until later on when someone finally brought it up that I was like "I'm Pansexual." and basically came out of the closet. It always made me feel awkward to have to explain my sexuality to people who don't even know it exists. Getting them to understand literally not caring about someone's gender at all is tough. I am glad to see it being more socially accepted and understood lately though. c:
I kinda always knew I was asexual, aromantic since I was old enough to really understand or think about sexuality, but I never had a word for it until college. Since I never had a word to understand or discuss it, I went through puberty and high school knowing how I felt was abnormal and uncommon, but wrongly thinking it was, well, wrong, since without a term or point of reference I had no way of looking for information because without the label, online searching points to actual sociopathy or a physical problem or accurately discussing what I felt with others. Er, in other words, I always knew mostly because mine is very straightforward and my sexual and romantic orientation match to make it even easier, I just went from thinking I was some degree of sociopath and needed to be fixed, or be "normal", to having an understanding and acceptance of who I am that's made me much happier.
I think it went something like "I'm straight, duh!" or rather "I mean sure because of society" to "Oh uh maybe I'm bi girls are kinda cute but I--" to "Maybe I'm pan? I guess?" to "Or I could just be gay...? Guys aren't really that interesting to me" to "Lol romance who's she"
Lmao that was me in a sense XD Except mine was more like:
"I'm not straight and I know I'm not straight but let's pretend I am to please my family"
to "Holy heck, maybe I am Bisexual because I clearly like girls too"
to "Holy heck maybe I'm actually gay but I don't experience sexual attraction at ALL lol nope"
to "Okay, maybe I actually have literally no attraction at all lmao lol sorry"
to "Okay, maybe I've been a bit dishonest... lol I actually do experience sexual attraction and I'm definitely not straight but I totally do not experience sexual or romantic attraction to anyone who I'm not currently dating but I'm so not attracted to guys at all."
Sometimes I have moments of "what if I really am gay--" and then remember that aesthetic attraction is really the only thing I ever feel haha I think my doubting of my sexuality comes from my mother's 'reassurances' of "well maybe you'll find someone someday" but I mean I don't know there's also the thought that everyone in my town is weird and I don't like people to begin with haha
I'll be honest, sometimes I'm like: "What if I'm straight" and then I remember that I have never truly been attracted at all to a guy x'D But my attraction is just all over the place sometimes, and I have a feeling it changes too, to make it all the more confusing XD I mean, I've always loved girls a lot, but at the same time, in a relationship I go from romantic partners to sexual partners to all of the above to even really strong friends that I embrace and truly adore, and my platonic attraction is so, so strong at all times that it's nearly overwhelming to the person I love. XD
My family was like that at first too, but then I think after a while, they saw that I really was not changing my mind about basically anything, so hence they eventually sucked it up and accepted the fact I was probably never going to have kids