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Netheron Chapter 7 by Vivyi Netheron Chapter 7 by Vivyi

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:iconnetheron-chronicles:

Netheron is a graphic novel, meaning that you will see artwork alongside the story. Expect both art and writing combined in this tale.


Splitting this up into two parts with Chapter 7 coming on Friday (Today), and Chapter 8 coming on Saturday (Tomorrow) and the rest being released on the 19th and 20th. I miscounted by one, so the epilogue will be uploaded on the 20th.

Then... I'm still considering (and polishing up) Estelle's prelude: The Waterloo of Delicacy, which may or may not be uploaded based on my personal opinion. It will be like Netheron, a picture worthy book. I like the idea of making half graphic novel half story books, so I made The Waterloo of Delicacy like that. I do have a rehash of Tea Time: A Netheron Short Story coming up soon. It provides a point of view from Estelle, and her looking back on her  actions. I polished it up yesterday, it looks suitable  for uploading. I deemed it too dark at first, but I think I'll get feedback in  real life first before I upload it. I really don't feel like tarnishing Estelle's image.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy! :D (Big Grin)




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        Chapter 6         <---->         Chapter 8

Netheron Chapter 6 by Vivyi      Netheron Chapter 8 by Vivyi

  Art and Writing © Vivienne Waltzer. Do not edit or reproduce without my explicit permission. I encourage however, for you to spread the word. 
                                     
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:iconarasteia:
“a campfire had been burning” – you recently said ‘as the campfire burned’ so instead maybe find another word for burning here?
“warm herself up to the fire” – this doesn’t quite make sense to me – perhaps ‘by the fire’? I don’t think you can warm yourself ‘up to’ a fire
“placing her hand on the back of the device” – what device is this? Could we have a description?
“Electricity was roughly unheard of, of anyone but the princess” – two things here: one, I don’t think you can ‘roughly’ hear of something. You’ve either heard of it, or you haven’t. Two, I think the syntax is a bit off – perhaps try ‘unheard of by anyone but the princess”
“It’s electrical cues” – wrong ‘it’s’ – possessive cases do not have apostrophes
“regardless of the new technology” – to me, this sounds as if the people have had a choice but have stuck with kerosene lamps, when I’m sure they were never offered electricity. Maybe take this opportunity to show the forced divide between lower and upper class living, and perhaps some shock or confusion on Mae’s part?
“the wall stopped their mindless buzzing” – you have a singular and then a plural case here – I think it should be either ‘the walls stopped their mindless buzzing’ or ‘the wall stopped its mindless buzzing’
“She lowered the walls” – how? By some kind of futuristic mechanism, I assume, but I can’t really picture it
“there was a small, abandoned campsite of the old ways” – what old ways? Why are they significant?
“Estelle stayed silent, but told him the truth” – How? If she stays silent, that means she can’t talk, and if she can’t talk, how can she tell him the truth?
“decided that is was best” – do you mean ‘it’ was best?
“perhaps the air is moist” – I’m not sure I understand the significance of this sentence. It doesn’t seem to tie in, to me. I don’t know why it should matter if the air is moist. Perhaps I’m missing something?
“Drusilla could have been right…” - I love this line, but I do want to know more about their journey. What do they talk about? What does she say that makes Mae come to pity her?
“It was empty and full of cardboard boxes” – another oxymoron here. If it’s empty, doesn’t that mean it can’t have anything in it? So how can it be full of cardboard boxes? Also, I think detail here would be great. Old, tatty boxes covered in spiderwebs? New ones still shiny with tape? Are they scattered everywhere? Ordered neatly in stacks?
“they could very much protect themselves from wild animals” – how? Could you remind me what weapons they have now, I’m not sure?
“stared at it with grief” – why grief?
“about her ruling as Queen of Netheron” – if you can, this might be a good point to expand
“a solid red pen” – where did the pen come from? Did they search the boxes?
“here is where we want to be” – wait, why? I’m not sure what their purposes are now that Estelle has met up with them
“she did and yet she didn’t” – actually, I’m sure she does understand. Doesn’t she remember hating her herself, and the façade Estelle presents to the people?
“the size of chunks of lead” – I have no idea how big chunks of lead are, and it seems to me that chunks of anything can vary in size. Maybe a more definitive analogy?
“doubting her fears” – what fears are these?
“she’d never done anything destructive” – I’m getting confused as to who ‘she’ is in this paragraph, maybe add in some names for clarity?
“everyone did, including herself” – but isn’t she coming to like her? Also this conflicts a bit with what you were saying earlier about not understanding why people hated Estelle
“the rain was pouring softly” – ‘pouring’ suggests hard, though it does it ‘softly’, so I don’t really think you can have both
“her newly bought clothes” – when did she have time to buy clothes in all this?
“this person… is much worse” – what ‘person’ are they talking about? What have they done? I figured it was Mae, or Otto, but they are mentioned later by name so I assume they are not talking about either of them…
“by his gruff voice” – so is he known for his gruff voice?
“she knew immediately, he hated her guts” – how does she know? The tone of his voice? Also, I think the comma could possibly be replaced with a colon. Not sure, you might want to check up on this. It’s a run-on sentence, I know that much
“even if it is Ms. Victorine” – what’s so special about Mae?
“they had been patiently waiting her return” – who is ‘they’, and why were they waiting?
“ever since I was born” – this seems awfully young to start planning a rebellion
“thoughtfully put on her hood” – not sure how one puts on a hood ‘thoughtfully’
“she held a strange ancient looking piece” – where did she pull this from? Maybe have a sentence about her rifling through her bag
“yanked the key into a slot” – ‘yanked’ implies pulling, to me, but she’d have to push the key in. Also, where exactly is this slot?
“Drusilla!” – who says this? Mae or Estelle?
“with her tiny strength and thrust him away” – if she is so weak, how can she thrust him away? Maybe she just pushes helplessly at his arm? Also, if she is so weak, how did she wield that sword so well against the Drethanoids?
“palpitate with dread” – ‘palpitate’ seems an awfully formal word for such a tense situation! Maybe ‘throb’ or ‘pound’ or something of the like?
“he tugged her arm towards him” – maybe you should mention that he grabs her? The last sentence talks about him just running after her
“staring off into space as she watched” – again, this seems strange to me. If she’s staring into space, it implies that she’s not looking at anything, yet she’s watching Drusilla run off. Also, how many guards are there? I got the impression that there were a few. Are none of the chasing her?
“fought Otto” – I don’t think ‘fought’ can be articulated, and thus I’m not sure it should be used as a speech tag
“I don’t know what’s gotten into you” – does this mean Otto knows Alexander? How?
What do you think?
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:iconobelis:
Obelis Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
I have a feeling that Drusilla may be able to somehow stop Esmeralda. :o Maybe that's why Estelle uncovered herself while running towards her. Getting seen so easily over a feeling must be too much for her, because I imagine Estelle as a good planner. Someone who can think with cool head if needed.

Looks like they will have to escape or else many will die out. >.<
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Estelle can think with a cool head sometimes... but she's also rather impulsive and doesn't always think, when it comes to someone close to her. :nod: She's a bit of both in a sense. xD

Indeed >< Not that the revolution has any idea of what they're doing :P
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:iconobelis:
Obelis Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Going to revolution out of rage!
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Indeed!! ~ THEY WANT TO TAKE OVER THE KINGDOM 

RUN ESTELLE RUN

GO GET EM'
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:iconkalinereine:
KalineReine Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015  Professional Writer
I think it's amazing that they have all this cool technology and yet people still use kerosene and outdated things like that. That's so like people though! I like that you explained it, rather than just letting readers fill in the gaps for themselves. It shows that this is really a well-planned story. It seems like you've thought of every detail. And the art depictions really help to paint a more complete picture as well, not to even mention being beautiful on their own too. I love how you've done this. It's lovely. :heart:

It's nice to see how Estelle interacted with them. Seems like she has a lot to learn here as well. I like that at first Mae wasn't sold on the idea that she could actually be good, but she's slowly starting to come around and realize a lot of things too. And that ending, wow! I like how everyone was just starting to come around, but now it's like uh oh, trouble... I can't believe they managed to get caught so quickly. 
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha... it is quite interesting how people will use outdated technology. I don't think it makes any sense sometimes, but LOL :XD: I think it makes for a good story! :heart: And thank you c:

Haha, well Estelle is rather impulsive, and she's used to working behind the lines instead of working on the front of the line. She thinks she can do anything, lmao :XD: But she really can't...
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:iconkalinereine:
KalineReine Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015  Professional Writer
Yeah, sort of like Amish people or etc... But there are people who are just so stuck in the past and they think of technology as evil and things like that. So this really makes a powerful statement as well. You are so welcome! <3
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:iconlydia-san:
lydia-san Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
AAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa it's exciting :iconlachoirplz:
Well this one is unexpected, I love Estelle even more!!! Somehow I even feel she's more dominant and centered than Mae or Otto, I'm starting to think she's the main character (either it is good news or bad news =p)
Anyway, this sentence: "When Otto asked her why she didn’t want people to leave, Estelle stayed silent, but told him the truth."
I think it can be improved :) it seem inconsistent when Estella stayed silent and told him the truth.
Yaayy and chapter 8 is already there!! Dansu plz 
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for the feedback! :)

Oh gosh, Estelle probably is the main character. :XD:  She seems to be hogging the spotlight that poor Mae can't even get... =P But Mae is the one telling the story, and even if the story is not completely revolved around her, she still is valuable as a character. :D

Adding this to my critique list! :D
Reply
:iconlydia-san:
lydia-san Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Lol yea and I like how u draw her without the wig too!! :D and her face in the prison :XD: actually it's adorable :love:
The poorest of all is Otto :evillaugh:
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Hehe, I just love that picture... :XD: I think she looks really cute. It does look slightly dorky, but I don't mind it. Estelle's face is so priceless. :XD:

Poor Otto is right! =P
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:iconlydia-san:
lydia-san Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I wonder if he'll get estelle back :XD:
Can't wait for the next chapteeerrr
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