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Netheron Chapter 5 by Vivyi Netheron Chapter 5 by Vivyi

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:iconnetheron-chronicles:

Netheron is a graphic novel, meaning that you will see artwork alongside the story. Expect both art and writing combined in this tale.


I meant to upload this today but I got side tracked, so I'm uploading it right now at night (It's 9:00 pm for me)

I hope you enjoy, and I may upload chapter 6 tomorrow as well. (My schedule looks something like this: This week, 3 Next week 3: The week after 2: Then BAM Christmas. )

Not a whole lot more to say here~ Hope you enjoy! :D

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 Netheron Chapter 4 by Vivyi     Netheron Chapter 6 by Vivyi                        




               

  Art and Writing © Vivienne Waltzer. Do not edit or reproduce without my explicit permission. I encourage however, for you to spread the word. 
                                    
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:iconarasteia:
“Estelle painfully watched” – I think you could get rid of painfully and instead added on to your description of her tears, which might increase impact

“so much more than any gain could be possible” – another strange phrase, to my ears. Perhaps you could try “so much loss that gain seems impossible”? Just a thought

“Estelle plainly put” – I think this a bit of a long-winded tag for such concise dialogue. Perhaps “snapped” or “snarled”?

“Don’t be so sensitive, my dear” – I love this line, I can practically feel the patronising tone radiating from it, and I think you could even put in some expressions or actions to really drive home what kind of woman this is. Personally, I picture an arm going around Estelle’s shoulders and a smile that’s really more of a smirk

“You are a princess after all” – Esmerelda just said that she was a queen, and says it again directly after, so I’m not sure this line is necessary

“for I am the equivalent of a monster” – to heighten impact, I’d go so far as to use a metaphor – “for I am a monster”

“my every being” – do you mean “my very being”? If not, I don’t think I understand what you mean – doesn’t she have only one being?

“this would halt its stance” – I’m not sure I understand what you’re trying to say – is she saying that this most recent transgression would stop Esmerelda from caring for her? If so, why? Clearly Esmerelda takes joy from torturing the townsfolk

“Esmerelda was taken aback” – an opportunity for description, perhaps?

“don’t be so shameless” – she doesn’t seem shameless to me, more shameful


“By who? Nothing!” – since you’re talking about people, I think ‘no one’ or ‘nobody’ would serve better than ‘nothing’ here

“not until you’ve learned” – I know what you mean, but maybe expand on what she has to learn?

“plastered on her face” – to me, plastered has always had connotations of being forced onto someone’s face, but this seems like the sort of grin Esmerelda would not be able to stop and would want to hide. Maybe you could find another word or phrase it differently, like ‘with a grin tugging at her lips’?

“No one was hurt … was lost” – this sentence confused me a little. I had to read it a couple of times to make sense of the dashes and ellipses. Maybe rephrase? I’d go with something like ‘No one was hurt, but her last hope that somehow, someplace, Mae and Otto would avenge her, was lost’. Still a little awkward though. Maybe even divide it into two sentences?

“She stole food from the refrigerator … against the rope” – this is a very long sentence, and since it deals with multiple actions, I think it could be split up. You also say she does some things at the same time, which is impossible (e.g. running hands through hair and picking up a blade simultaneously)

“being forced under another spell” – I’m not sure I know about the first one… but I assume it will be revealed in time. The plot thickens!

“She had a feeling … called a princess” – nice ending!

“they’d been adventuring for hours” – but they hadn’t had a good meal in days? Didn’t they eat before they left the house? Also, how did they run out of food so quickly if it hadn’t yet been a day?

“leaves growing dead” – seems an oxymoron to me – how can they be growing if they’re dead?

“the clock disappeared into the mountains” – how? Is it covered by mist or something?

“a spark flashed and she pulled away” – what is she touching? The rain machine? I thought they were only imagining seeing it? If it’s the wall, I’d say so and describe Mae reaching out to touch it

“Drusilla,’ He paused” – ‘he’ doesn’t need to be capitalised – anything that’s not a name is not capitalised after dialogue, unless beginning a new sentence
What do you think?
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:iconobelis:
Obelis Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
It seems Estelle is under Esmeralda's influence, more or less. Maybe Esmeralda is a witch and knows a couple spells that allow her - to some extent - control the behavior of the princess.

I wonder what Esmeralda's motives could be...

I imagine that maybe our runaway princess will meet Otto and Mae somewhere midway... if only they don't mistake her for some monster and start fighting. :ohnoes:
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
You're getting some place ;D That is all I'm going to say. :D

Do you think they would attack her on sight, or do you think they would be too baffled and afraid to attack her? ;P
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:iconobelis:
Obelis Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
I'd say they would doubt but still attack. Not immediately.
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Indeed, maybe they would spend 10 minutes staring at Estelle's face, until she was staring back with a look of confusion and be like: "WE'VE COME TO DESTROY YOU" and then Estelle is like: "I CAME TO SAVE YOU" and then they got into a big feud and ended up watching netflix afterwards c:

YOU NEVER KNOW :noes: These characters write themselves sometimes. xD
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:iconkalinereine:
KalineReine Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015  Professional Writer
Oooh it's getting really good now! This was a great way for Otto and Mae to get to know one another. I'm surprised they both smashed their earrings already. I was pretty sure they were going to at least consider helping the Guardians at first. It was unexpected for them to throw them out like that too. And from Estelle's interactions with Esmeralda, I can tell something isn't right there. I wonder if she'll run into them before they get to the tower or if they'll make it there only to discover she isn't anywhere around? *keeps reading* :D 
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
I've always thought those scenes were a little hasty :XD: Wooops~ Just something to work at in the improved version :) Esmeralda is quite a peculiar character. :D Very mysterious. I did draw a picture of her, and though she should look incredibly ugly, she looks really cute instead. :XD:
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:iconkalinereine:
KalineReine Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015  Professional Writer
Ahh maybe... It seems like you already got some really good feedback. I agree with what others have said, when they pointed out like grammatical errors and stuff, but I figured you already knew about those, so I thought I'd try to give you helpful advice about other stuff or things I notice that haven't already been pointed out. I hope it helps. I really am having fun reading this. :heart: 
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Well I'm certainly glad you're having fun reading it :heart: I'm pretty fortunate for the feedback I've been getting. c: Not many writers get the amount of feedback that I've gotten. :XD:

It does! I appreciate it highly~ :love: It's so nice that you'd do this for me <333
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:iconkalinereine:
KalineReine Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2015  Professional Writer
Hopefully you will continue to get feedback on it. ^^ And it's no problem at all. <3
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:iconmrsunnytale:
MrSunnytale Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2014  Hobbyist
Wow, the part about Estelle was so intense! I'm glad I started to read your story! :) 
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you~ I'm glad you're enjoying it so far! I tried hard! :D
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:iconlydia-san:
lydia-san Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Awwwww :squee: www yeaaaaa the story is heating up bambambam Woohooooo!
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:iconvivyi:
Vivyi Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm glad you're enjoying it so far! :D
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:iconlydia-san:
lydia-san Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well u never disappoint me fella Bunny Emoji-89 (Cheer) [V5] 
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