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Netheron is a graphic novel, meaning that you will see artwork alongside the story. Expect both art and writing combined in this tale.
Welcome to chapter 1! Here is Mae the main character. Yeeeah prologue was always a bit iffy for me, but that's okay! I'll try harder next time. I should have edited it more.
Chapter 1 went through a series of complicated edits, like Mae used to be a lot more rude to people, the vernacular (which was edited A LOT throughout the story) had changed, the main idea stayed but Mae is entirely different than she used to be throughout the story (and I think she's a lot nicer, if you get my drift! ) This story is originally made for 8th graders, but I personally think it appeals to all audiences... (Or just me: I'm a young kid at heart. ) I hope that explains the way it's written, it really does have a complex story for a middle school novel.
I'm posting a bit early because of my surgery on tuesday. Which, speaking of which: I may go on a small hiatus soon. My surgery is REALLY going to knock me out, and I'll be very crabby and moody for several days because they are leaving something in my nose for 4 days. (I'll probably just go on tumblr, nap a lot, or something. I don't know! We'll see. ) But I don't like to be moody around people, so I'll probably keep to myself until they take the bit out. Thanks for understanding!
Prologue <----> Chapter 2
Art and Writing © Vivienne Waltzer. Do not edit or reproduce without my explicit permission. I encourage however, for you to spread the word.
I wonder why Mae's mother insists to call her by another name. I'm sure it will be explained later, but it's a strong curiosity causer.
I enjoy the fact that Mae talks back to Otto. He seems a bit full of himself, automatically assuming that the girl is for him just because... I don't even know what gave him idea it could be like this.
As Mae is being involved more or less against her will, even after she's done with the challenge, I doubt she will be very happy.
It will be explained later Or from what I remember, it will be lol I wrote this so long ago hahaha
LOL He's a bit of a ladies man in this As a result, he's a bit hot-headed and naive. I don't remember the direction I wanted to take his character in this. xD
No doubt she'll at least have some issues with it. LOL
i love the way you write the interaction between the characters /v\ it all has a very nice flow to it!!
i'll definitely read all the other pieces you've posted of this as soon as i get more time <3
u kinda remind me about some classical novels i read as a child, like wizard of oz or alice in wonderland^^
but when u draw characters, would u add some background too?^^ I just think the solid brown color doesnt really fit. No need for a complicated background, maybe just stripes of stained glasses will do i really like ur illustration about the princess in prologue! Very artistic!
Here's picking up from where I left off:
“people attempting to bring back live plants” – if they’re alive, why are people trying to bring them back?
“plants, was nothing” – I’m not sure this comma is necessary
“with a bad rep!” Mae shouted” – It seems unlikely to me that she would shout. It just doesn’t seem like the sort of thing you’d hear someone shouting. Maybe you could use body language to emphasise her shock instead – like perhaps jabbing a finger at him?
“Otto lunged from his chair” – Again, it seems to me to be an odd reaction. I’d instead picture someone sitting in shock for a second before shooting to their feet. Then again, they’re your characters, so if that’s how they’d react, then that’s fine
“Wouldn’t you care for a cup of tea?” – An oddly sudden change in attitude, I’d think
I also find myself wondering what Mr. Monette is doing at this point. Does he know of Otto’s bad reputation? Does he care?
“Absolutely not,” she shouted” – Mae seems to do a lot of (I think) unnecessary shouting
“though he certainly did not mean it” – I think this would have more impact if you showed this, instead of telling it – maybe instead you could talk about his expression, like he’s smirking or something
“I am no one’s entertainment, sir” – I just really love this line of dialogue. It says so much about Mae in so few words
“The Rose Maiden has… listen to her” – how does he know all this? Did Estelle tell him (I assume she is the Rose Maiden)? If so, would she really tell him she’s been spying on them?
“usually held by the minister of the town” – So why does Estelle choose Otto and Mae personally? What do people think of this – do they find it suspicious? Do they believe this means that they are the two she wants?
“We’ve already contacted your step-mother” – What gives Mr. Monette the authority to contact parents and confirm the attendance of the children? Also, I think you’ve missed an opportunity for character building here – if you’re going to expand it, I’d get rid of this and add in a scene of Mae telling her step-mother. How she tells it and both her and her step-mother’s reactions could give valuable insight into their personalities
Mae is always raising her voice for everything she does, though I agree with you on the unnecessary shouting for her character. Perhaps I can show this in other ways with her body gesture... like jabbing her finger at people, folding her arms, glaring, or simply crinkling her face in pure disgust at someone. (She's kind of a tough tomboy, in any sense. )
"Wouldn't you care for a cup of tea?" - I tried making a play on Otto's tone of voice. I can clearly envision him saying it in the most snarkiest tone while trying to keep his manners in his own flimsy anger. (Though if that were clearly done wrong, oh well... XD )
Some really great questions! I'm definitely going to consider all this! Wow... this is certainly a lot to work with! Thanks!
Yeah, I think showing in many different ways would be really good. I definitely picked up that she was a tomboy, so you nailed that, I just think she may need more ways of showing it.
I definitely got what you were doing with Otto's manners, and it was good. Just maybe have a sentence where he tries to regain himself before saying it, like straightening shoulders or pulling down shirt hem?
To start off with, the random Netheron at the beginning seems rather disjointed from the rest of the paragraph, as it isn't mentioned until a lot later. I'd get rid of it, and then have the first line as: 'Huerta had started out greener than most'. You say it's a planet later so 'the world' part probably isn't necessary. It just seems snappier to me.
You then say 'planet of/like Huerta' twice in a sentence, which sounds a little repetitive. You actually say planet three times in that sentence - generally I try to avoiding repeating 'bigger' words too soon after each other. Maybe you could reword as 'Some knew that planets should not hold black sand and red skies, but Huerta did. It had always endured itself as...'
Whose sacred rituals?
'To them, humans were much like them' - repeating 'them' sounds a little odd to me. Maybe 'They thought humans were much like them...'
Remembrance? Why did they have to remember?
Okay, if you want to be picky with grammar, you can reword the penultimate sentence to this - 'seen as the planet ON WHICH every human on earth would thrive' - but it's up to you.
Why would the rich have any reason to differ in their opinion of Estelle?
'They were few' - nice, I love snappy little dark sentences like this.
I think 'locked everything away' might flow better than 'locked away everything'.
Why won't Estelle tell anyone which boy and girl she wants?
'she stubbornly shouted' - I think shouting generally entails stubbornness, and we also can get that from her words, so I don't think you need 'stubbornly'.
'explained' - she doesn't really seem to be explaining much to me, just stating.
Again 'stubbornly left' - instead of saying she did it stubbornly, you could have her stomp or huff or something to show us, instead of telling us.
Okay, that's all I'm going to do for now, but it should give you a general idea of what you might look at changing. Hope I helped!
This gives me a general idea of what I need to work on in my writing. (Plot holes included) All of these are fair in their own right. I'm surprised I still have unanswered questions... I thought I'd weeded those all out with my english teacher. I'm going to have to sit and vegetate on some of these ideas and rethink, remove and such in the second round. I'm thinking I might rewrite and rework this entire story all together, outside of it being "my senior project" as this is the first write through, but the 4th to 5th edit, and I had never had time before hand to really go into detail about everything I really wanted to, because it is a must have for me to graduate.
If you do decide to stick around and critique the rest, It will give me a general idea of what to watch out for in the future, and I'll really appreciate it in the long run. It's totally up to you, though, and I completely understand if you don't want to. XD I especially would love the middle of the story critiqued: I really am unsure of this one part of the story, I don't think Estelle's actions can ever be justified. I sort of got side tracked with the main plotline throughout the whole entire thing, and there were way too many twists thrown in. The whole story itself is unpredictable, and I almost wonder if it's possible to lose sight of what you are writing about, because there are so many twists thrown in.
Unanswered questions can be so sneaky sometimes. My English major work went through roughly fourteen drafts and people who were looking at it for the first time were still finding plot holes at draft ten, even though my teacher and I went through it and through it!
I'm about to embark on a creative writing degree at uni next year and so I'll have the same things to look forward to (I critique your grammar and then I do this, haha) XD
Sure, I'll do the rest. The only reason I stopped was because our power's been messing up and so we needed to get the electrician out to fix it and we had to turn the power off while he was here. Plus, I used to critique entire novels when I was younger and getting my own critiqued, and I kind of miss it.
I had the twist problem a couple of novels ago. I thought the story was going to be too short so I added in a tonne of filler scenes. The novel ended up being 130,000 words (oops) and at least half was just unneeded twists. It really took away from the story.
Good luck! I'll be attempting to sign up for college this year. Next year, I'm *HOPEFULLY* starting my first year of college for the Library Science degree with a hopeful minor in Creative Writing if I can afford it. Or something. I really don't know what I want to do... I'm so overwhelmed. It's my future... but I'll try my best to search for the perfect job for me.
I better get posting the rest, then. XD I've got a total of 11 chapters, A prologue, 9 chapters, Epilogue, and 20,000 words with 13 pictures. I'll be posting twice a week, so it doesn't interfere with the rest of my things. But I would most certainly LOVE to hear your feedback!
Ah, well I would like to think that all of the twists were important to the story... but I think a couple I may want to think about redoing... The one in the middle of the story, for example: could definitely use a little bit of revamping. I think that is chapter 5? Chapter 3, Chapter 4, and Chapter 5, could all be reworked and be much longer. Chapter 6, Chapter 7, could be worked more on, to give revamping to Estelle's character and make her more likeable, and give far more of a reason for the two main characters- Mae and Otto, to trust her. I took the shortest route possible because I needed to graduate on time, but now that I'm done with the main story, I can rewrite the whole thing and make it far better, far longer, and more far more impactful. Even the beginning, The Prologue and Chapter 1, need to be more impacting. Chapter 2... I'm unsure about. I rewrote it once already,but I'd have to read it again to make sure. You can tell me what you think when I post it tomorrow.
Oh well, I'm looking forward to it. As long as you've learned something, it's all worth it. Yeah, I'm actually taking a double degrees in Science and Arts, majoring in Palaeobiology and Creative Writing XD People always ask me if I'm going to write books about dinosaurs. I'm like 'no'.
Yeah, that's one thing I'm worried about for my major when I finally do it at university - length. For my high school Year 10 English major (most people wrote a 1000-word short story, to put things in perspective) I wanted to put in my novel! But I found out that that was too long, and I was stuck putting in the first chapter instead. I'm the only person who's ever got 100% for my Year 10 major. Apparently the teachers still talk about it XD But anyway, my point was that I'm not good at writing short things.
I'll go and critique the rest now
Yeah, I only have two chapters out right now- yikes! I better get posting chapter 2 and 3 today...
I can never write short things either (like my comments on deviant art are always so long... XD ) but I do tend to write a lot of short stories alongside the chapter stories I write. On a bad writing day, I won't be able to really condense my words, but because my typing speed is apparently 60 wpm (or 59) I can write an one paged essay for school in like, 15 minutes if my brain is really up for it. (I once wrote something for a class that wasn't English, that I only had 15 minutes to write, and I finished it, polished it a bit, and turned it in and got 100% on it. I don't know how that happened. XD )
Ahh I have to post the rest first. Let me go do that~ I'll post 2 and 3 today.
Haha, well you must be good then
I have terrible handwriting, the worst of the worst. XD They look like chicken scratches instead of words~ That sounds really hard to do, I would never make it... (I would get really burned out and stressed XD)
Yeah I usually got pretty high scores in Creative Writing class... my teacher (who was also my editor for my story) knew me from Freshman year, and she noticed how much I improved as a writer. ( I won't even say how bad I used to be... I was terrible. XD ) One thing I wish I did more often was write metaphors, as I once had this style where I wrote nothing but metaphors because I loved them so much, but I probably wrote them in a very confusing way.